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How's Life? (Read 12217 times)
Thrillho
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Re: How's Life?
Reply #75 - 03/29/16 at 10:12:56
 
No matter how bad things get. Remember there is almost always another joke to laugh at. A new friend to make. Another opportunity to grasp at. Even when you feel like an old fuck past your prime. You're not done yet. There is important work to do. New opportunities are all around us. Keep your chin up and eyes open for the next good thing. Otherwise you might miss it.

But when things really are over for good and your life is finally over. If nothing else, you'll have all the time in the universe to rest. So there isn't any point in letting yourself lose sleep over it. Grieve when you must. But don't let grief sabotage your future.

It's best not to spend too much time agonizing over loss and failure. In the moment it can feel like that crushing defeat or loss will sting you forever. It can feel like it's too late for any real life changes. Sometimes all of that is true.

But don't let your self doubt and depression psyche you out. Life has a way of making people give up way before they should. People feel like the end is just around the corner. Spending years with that feeling and never snapping out of it. Letting opportunity and happiness pass right by because they've basically rage quit life.

I'm not saying don't feel bad. Those feelings are real and are important. But don't give up. When you give up you're allowing failure to happen. Even if your body is falling apart. Even if people are dead. Even if most of your life has been spent. That doesn't mean that there isn't anything good waiting in your future.

I know people say this way too much. But it's true. You have to take your licks and move forward. Roll with the punches and strike back when opportunity allows it. Even if you are totally fucked, completely alone, and won't go anywhere no matter how hard you try. We're all going to die eventually. You'll have plenty of time to rest in the end.
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Re: How's Life?
Reply #76 - 03/29/16 at 16:59:46
 
Re: Spag - That's horrific. I've had a lot of deaths in my extended family, but none I've come across myself. I think it's completely understandable to be numb right now though; there's no right or wrong way to deal with death. All I really know to say is to just to allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. It sounds like it was a complicated relationship and I'd imagine conflicting emotions would come out of something like that, which is totally normal.



Re: Xizor - I can definitely relate, but in a slightly different way.

I went to college studying what I thought would be my dream job. With the benefit of hindsight, I regret spending so much time studying and not spending more time dating and partying and enjoying myself. Aside from just being fun, those kinds of experiences give you confidence, help you learn how to interact with people, help you figure out what you want from your life, etc. I've traveled extensively all around the world too, but would probably trade all of that for a loving relationship. The grass is always greener, I guess.

I went to school with two people who went on to direct movies. At the time, I was pretty jealous. I was still trying to move up the ladder to become a game designer and they were actually directing movies that were in festivals and stuff. Now I'm just kind of sad. They're both now doing decidedly non-creative jobs. "Following your dreams" doesn't always work.

My dream job was game designer. It started out just being a dream to work in the videogame industry in general, but after taking a few programming classes, I learned that I hated programming. I took game classes where I did some level design, but that was pretty boring too, especially when you're working on somebody else's vision, and even more so if that vision is stupid. I tried 3d modeling - one of the instructors decided to show us his reel. His greatest work. His life's work. I think more than half of it was an explosion from X-Men 2. I don't want to spend my days rendering a patch of feathers on a talking duck. I might have done character design, but I'm not a good enough artist. Even that, though - my friend works in animation doing some of that and when you're working on a big inoffensive family movie, your options for creative expression are limited. That kind of exhausted most of my potential paths towards the "game designer" position. In hindsight, this was a blessing in disguise because the volatility of the videogame industry is horrifying.

My major was very broad, though. I had photography classes too, and I discovered I had a bit of a knack for that. I took photos that I thought (and still do think) are pretty striking. But then it occurred to me that virtually everything I was shooting had been shot many many times before, probably at the exact same angle and lighting conditions.

I'd also taken some web design classes. I'd been creating websites all the way back to middle school. I could create designs that were visually interesting and unique that would make sites stand out. But then I learned that people don't want unique and interesting sites, they wanted to stay true to conventions and best practices. My excuse of this being a "creative outlet" doesn't hold that much water anymore. This is what my current job is, though it's kind of ballooned out to encompass other digital marketing strategy stuff I don't give a shit about.

And then there's comedy, which was really WHY I enjoyed working on my website - the content, not the design. Music, podcast, video, drawing, writing, etc. This I've been actively doing on the side all along, but much more so now that I'm actually doing improv comedy (and I'm probably going to start taking sketch comedy classes after I graduate the improv program in the next month or two). Especially now, I feel like even if I'm not getting paid for it, I'm making strides toward doing what I want to do. Even if I never get paid for it, I'll probably still keep doing it.

So here's what I've kind of concluded. I've found something I really enjoy doing. I can and will continue to do it and spend time doing it. A very few people are able to make a living doing it, but most never will. Instead, I PAY to take classes to do it. I could move to LA and devote all of my time and energy to it and strive to make a career out of it, but I would probably still fail and end up feeling bitter and rejected. Instead, I have a 40 hour a week job where I'm respected and appreciated. The pay is pretty good, I have good benefits, paid vacation, unlimited sick days, and I can come in a little late and leave a little early without consequence. I have the potential of upward movement in the organization;  I struggled a bit with this because theoretically the higher up I get, the less creative I'm being. But more money gives me more leeway to do the things I enjoy. I can finance my passions, and not have the added pressure to make sure my passions are "marketable". If one of those passions eventually becomes a way to make a living, all the better, but I don't want to kill myself worrying about it.

If you still want to be a musician and/or artist, why not practice in your free time? Write songs and draw stuff and publish them online. Maybe somebody will see them and give you a career, or maybe not, but the worst thing you can say about it is that you'd be practicing and working on what you really care about, and every day you'll be a little better than you were the day before. Consequently every day you'll be a little more prepared for the potential opportunity that may arise. You may not feel like your job is providing you with new talents, but if you continue to practice your passions on the side, you can still be improving yourself. That's a big part of why I draw, animate, write, work on the podcast, learn improv, etc - I'm improving skills I care about. I don't care that they have nothing to do with my existing career.

People figure themselves out at different times, but once you find something you like, you ought to dive in. You can't go back in time, but you can make sure you don't waste any more. I really like the quote: "The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now". We're what, in our early thirties? We could live another 50-60 years. Even old man Magnum (congrats on your wife's job by the way!) has plenty of time left, though obviously additional responsibilities (i.e. children) throws a huge wrench in this. Still, I think it's silly to declare that our best days are behind us and we're in dead-end jobs that we can never escape. Maybe today sucks, and maybe tomorrow will too. But if we try every day to be a little better than we were the day before, who knows what the future could hold? Even if we don't get paid for it, we can still use the money and security from our less glamorous jobs to allow us to do really fun and awesome things.
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Re: How's Life?
Reply #77 - 03/29/16 at 20:46:03
 
Nice post Nightshade. There's a lot of advice and lessons that can be drawn from there.

I've always wanted to have, and still do, a career in the gaming industry, though mostly because that's where I felt my people were at. I known since I took a programming class in high school 11-12+ years ago I could not stand programming, fuck no. I'd rather be shot in the head. Although I'm fairly confident I would make a phenomenal level and even game designer, but that's at the top. Most people don't get to that and even when they do, it's not what they thought. Chief reasons being "Working on someone else's vision"

My intended path should take me in several directions. Which is a good thing apparently. I have things I want to do but still hope to end up in gaming somehow. That can incorporate a lot. Not necessarily a career either, but that would be the ultimate, to earn money through gaming. I would love to just shove that in all the peoples faces that are against gaming and think it's a waste of time.

I will never regret time spent gaming, ever.

And yeah I wish I planted a tree twenty years ago. It would be a very nice tree by now, I think.
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Re: How's Life?
Reply #78 - 03/30/16 at 07:44:51
 
So, A new update on my life is I have a date sometime this week. I don't know how I feel about it. It's been years since I've dated a woman.

Before we get there though I'll put up some progression and part of the reason I think I am an asshole, but to each their own.

A few months ago a older woman around 35 and I begun a flirting and it eventually turned into us texting and talking. I have some kinks like tying up with rope, being beaten, whipped, etc, etc.

I made some jokes so we ended up in a sub and dom relationship. Her being the sub. I played around with it for a while and tried, but that type of relationship takes too much effort on my part and during this time I was going through a lot.

I felt trapped in it so I flirted with a 19 year old girl to piss her off. No to mention I was drinking at the time, Not that is a excuse.

We moved passed all that and I told her I just couldn't be in a sub dom relationship because it's too taxing on me and goes against what I am. So she decided to try a regular relationship with me, which lead to her getting bored and losing all interest in me all together. That went on for about 3 months?

A ex of mine and old friend of mine came back into the picture. We both told one another we didn't want a relationship. We ended up fooling around and she ended up getting emotionally attached. So I sat her down and explained that I only wanted to be friends and to not get wrapped up in a relationship etc. etc.

Few days later a girl around my age started talking to me and I enjoyed it. So I asked her out and we will be going on a date soon.

Am I at a place where I can date? I don't know. Am I willing to open up emotionally to someone and be committed to them in a relationship?

To a extent, but I don't know how much remains to be given. After you go through a lot of emotional things you kinda have to sit down and count the broken pieces to try and find out how much is exactly left.

Maybe I should sit back and analyze weather or not I'm going to be toxic for this person.

Or just say fuck it and jump in knees deep.

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Re: How's Life?
Reply #79 - 03/30/16 at 23:59:54
 
NightShade wrote on 03/29/16 at 16:59:46:
Re: Spag - That's horrific. I've had a lot of deaths in my extended family, but none I've come across myself. I think it's completely understandable to be numb right now though; there's no right or wrong way to deal with death. All I really know to say is to just to allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. It sounds like it was a complicated relationship and I'd imagine conflicting emotions would come out of something like that, which is totally normal.


It's just bizarre to me. Almost doesn't seem real actually but it is.

It's just weird not seeing someone I saw everyday anymore.

Thanks again though, but unfortunately I just now found out what really killed my aunt. It wasn't a bad type of street Vicodin like I was told. It was actually Fentanyl pills disguised as common Norco pills.
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Re: How's Life?
Reply #80 - 03/31/16 at 11:20:56
 
†Adonael wrote on 03/30/16 at 07:44:51:
So, A new update on my life is I have a date sometime this week. I don't know how I feel about it. It's been years since I've dated a woman.

Before we get there though I'll put up some progression and part of the reason I think I am an asshole, but to each their own.

A few months ago a older woman around 35 and I begun a flirting and it eventually turned into us texting and talking. I have some kinks like tying up with rope, being beaten, whipped, etc, etc.

I made some jokes so we ended up in a sub and dom relationship. Her being the sub. I played around with it for a while and tried, but that type of relationship takes too much effort on my part and during this time I was going through a lot.

I felt trapped in it so I flirted with a 19 year old girl to piss her off. No to mention I was drinking at the time, Not that is a excuse.

We moved passed all that and I told her I just couldn't be in a sub dom relationship because it's too taxing on me and goes against what I am. So she decided to try a regular relationship with me, which lead to her getting bored and losing all interest in me all together. That went on for about 3 months?

A ex of mine and old friend of mine came back into the picture. We both told one another we didn't want a relationship. We ended up fooling around and she ended up getting emotionally attached. So I sat her down and explained that I only wanted to be friends and to not get wrapped up in a relationship etc. etc.

Few days later a girl around my age started talking to me and I enjoyed it. So I asked her out and we will be going on a date soon.

Am I at a place where I can date? I don't know. Am I willing to open up emotionally to someone and be committed to them in a relationship?

To a extent, but I don't know how much remains to be given. After you go through a lot of emotional things you kinda have to sit down and count the broken pieces to try and find out how much is exactly left.

Maybe I should sit back and analyze weather or not I'm going to be toxic for this person.

Or just say fuck it and jump in knees deep.



Dude just jump in and don't worry about it. If someone you're interested in doesn't like you in your default state. Then it won't work out.

Focus on having fun. When you gotta work on a façade and dance around to keep a person happy. You wind up in a fiercely co dependent relationship and those are very rarely sustainable. Even when they are sustained it drives the person carrying the most weight insane.

Also don't get caught in the trap of getting entangled with someone who is way into you who you are indifferent about. You will be bored and everyday interaction will turn into work.
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Re: How's Life?
Reply #81 - 03/31/16 at 21:22:21
 
Spag I wasn't going to say anything but I commend you for sharing. A dear friend of the family died from drug overdose back in October 2013. Only in mid 40's, and this is said about every deceased loved one but he was truly a unique one of kind great person. His only fault was drugs. He didn't lie, cheat, steal, or selfishly fuck with vulnerable people. He had lethal amounts of crack and cocaine in his system when he was found dead on a couch and it was ruled overdose eventually. It was under investigation at first because all of his personal belongings were missing, wallet, phone, ect. Not only that but he described being at this very place one time and waking up to random people going through his pockets and when he was like wtf they actually started holding him down and punching him, but he managed to fight them off and get the hell out of there. It's also no coincidence that he had just gotten a large bonus check that night. To me he was somehow murdered (it can easily be covered up in these environments)  to take his drugs and 1,500-2,000 bucks. When I first heard I couldn't believe it. It took 2-3 weeks to fully set in and the grieving process to get going. I guess that's how I am, but I'd rather stay off the subject of death because it's only guaranteed to strike again and for the world to only get cold and darker as time goes on and with the acquisition of more suffering and truth.
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Re: How's Life?
Reply #82 - 04/01/16 at 12:43:42
 
Drugs will get you no matter how good or bad you are. There were a couple of points I abused diazepam and alcohol to the point that I had to prop my self up against the wall and force myself to continue breathing.

It wasn't due to being suicidal or anything. I just wanted to hit a new apex. If I weren't aware of how that combination will halt your natural breathing. I'd probably have died. I'd have let my self fall asleep and I wouldn't have been able to force myself to keep breathing. In fact it may have caused damage unforeseen till this point. Liver cancer or heart disease risks aren't out of the question.

Especially when you factor in the times I put down a couple of bottles of liquor. Once to the point that I was vomiting blood the next day. Used to smoke an entire pack during each shift running security. Also as much as I love pot smoking that at home all the time probably wasn't great. Vaporizers weren't an affordable or easily accessible choice back then.

But who knows I might be one of the lucky ones that went way out of control multiple times and narrowly avoids long term damage. Even though I'm off that shit I'd consider living past 40 to be amazing.

Not terribly afraid if dying either. I'm sure it'll hit me harder once it creeps closer. But I'm just happy to have done a lot of fun and interesting shit. If I lived a boring life all the way till my 90's. I'd consider that more of a failure than having a blast and checking out at my 40's.
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Re: How's Life?
Reply #83 - 05/03/16 at 09:56:06
 
I'm just going to jot this down as a disclaimer.

I'm not doing this for attention. I'm just jotting down things on my mind to get them off of my chest. Not really to tell anyone. More of a silent talk with myself.

The suicidal thoughts are back again. When I sleep I dream about it. This is how I know my depression is cycling back in. My productivity has halted completely.

I bought a new set of ropes for bondage, because its something I'm obviously into. My mind keeps playing myself hanging myself over and over again. It's a struggle I deal with quite often when I'm depressed.

I was fine there for a minute, but then life happened and boggled shit up again. My mind is in a state of  decay. I'm feeling the urge to drop everything and move again. Go as far away from this place as I can but if I do I know I'll end up in the same situation somewhere else.

It's a constant struggle. I really don't know what to do anymore. I know I will get better at some point. I was alright there for a minute. I don't  know. Life is pretty fucked up sometimes.

I could do without the loneliness that sets in every once in awhile. Call my family more often.

Truth is I died at age 13 and have been struggling  to live since.

Don't get me wrong. I love my daughter with all my heart. She means everything to me, but that doesn't stop the pain and depression.

I think it's just time to accept that my life isn't going to be what I thought. Let go of that fantasy I loved to hold onto. That one thing that always gave me hope and invest some hope in myself instead.
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Re: How's Life?
Reply #84 - 05/05/16 at 09:48:03
 
The worst thing you can do when dealing with depression is pondering and agonizing over the feeling. As hard as it may be to do. When you recognize that feeling looming in your mind. Do everything in your power to have fun.

Personally i'll watch a show, YouTube video, play a game, or most importantly endeavor in creative works.

There isn't a solid cure for this kind of thing. The pills don't work on most people. Drug addiction is a dead end. But you can nullify it by knowing when it's gripping you and having tools ready to evade the experience.

Good luck.
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Re: How's Life?
Reply #85 - 05/10/16 at 14:35:34
 
I'm mainly just a lurker but this thread sort of spoke to me in a way and feel like I can relate a bit. I also can't sleep and felt like type out how my life has been.

Started abusing a fee stimulants since mid last year and sort of developed into quite an addiction. Early this year I started hearing voices. They would  talk about every little thing that I did. At first it just seem like it was the people around me, which i assume i was a little bit too high and was just misinterpreting things incorrectly but it later became apparent to me that it constant problem and that I would hear it even in silence. They would insult me or just say the strangest things. At first I thought it was stim psychosis but it seems like I may have schizophrenia. I just get the feeling of being watched, heard, filmed or even that people can see what I saw or read/hear my thoughts. Cause of this my addiction got a far worse. So much paranoia that I have become a bigger recluse than ever before. I don't even like going out of the house anymore (not that i went out much anyways...) because i get the feeling that I'm being followed/talked about. Would even try talking as little as possible (although I wasn't much of a talker to begin with) even with family. It's so bad that I would even avoid going on must website because I think they are about me in some way. TV, radio, any online multiplayer game, even porn... I try to rationalize the situation and tell myself that what I believe would be impossible and illegal. Why would I, a friendless loner with very little connection to anyone,  why would I be the center of attention? Why would anyone care about me, when even I cared very little about myself, give a shit about what I'm doing. I would continuously say to myself to try and keep my composure and keep what little left I had of my sanity but sadly these feelings will just not go away. This has been on my mind since the beginning of February. It caused me to quit my job and just isolate my self even further. I am currently contemplating seeing a doctor but I worry what being labeled a schizophrenia might do for me in the future or that it may hinder me in someway. Plus the feeling that the doctor is "in on it" as well... Still trying to make sense of it all, recovery will be difficult.

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Re: How's Life?
Reply #86 - 05/11/16 at 17:36:39
 
†Adonael wrote on 05/03/16 at 09:56:06:
I'm just going to jot this down as a disclaimer.

I'm not doing this for attention. I'm just jotting down things on my mind to get them off of my chest. Not really to tell anyone. More of a silent talk with myself.

The suicidal thoughts are back again. When I sleep I dream about it. This is how I know my depression is cycling back in. My productivity has halted completely.

I bought a new set of ropes for bondage, because its something I'm obviously into. My mind keeps playing myself hanging myself over and over again. It's a struggle I deal with quite often when I'm depressed.

I was fine there for a minute, but then life happened and boggled shit up again. My mind is in a state of  decay. I'm feeling the urge to drop everything and move again. Go as far away from this place as I can but if I do I know I'll end up in the same situation somewhere else.

It's a constant struggle. I really don't know what to do anymore. I know I will get better at some point. I was alright there for a minute. I don't  know. Life is pretty fucked up sometimes.

I could do without the loneliness that sets in every once in awhile. Call my family more often.

Truth is I died at age 13 and have been struggling  to live since.

Don't get me wrong. I love my daughter with all my heart. She means everything to me, but that doesn't stop the pain and depression.

I think it's just time to accept that my life isn't going to be what I thought. Let go of that fantasy I loved to hold onto. That one thing that always gave me hope and invest some hope in myself instead.


Don't do it. Just because things feel one way now doesn't mean they'll feel that way forever. Life has ups and downs, and you may yet find true happiness, so don't give up.

Also, antidepressants. They make a world of difference. At least try them.

LCampoy8 wrote on 05/10/16 at 14:35:34:
I'm mainly just a lurker but this thread sort of spoke to me in a way and feel like I can relate a bit. I also can't sleep and felt like type out how my life has been.

Started abusing a fee stimulants since mid last year and sort of developed into quite an addiction. Early this year I started hearing voices. They would  talk about every little thing that I did. At first it just seem like it was the people around me, which i assume i was a little bit too high and was just misinterpreting things incorrectly but it later became apparent to me that it constant problem and that I would hear it even in silence. They would insult me or just say the strangest things. At first I thought it was stim psychosis but it seems like I may have schizophrenia. I just get the feeling of being watched, heard, filmed or even that people can see what I saw or read/hear my thoughts. Cause of this my addiction got a far worse. So much paranoia that I have become a bigger recluse than ever before. I don't even like going out of the house anymore (not that i went out much anyways...) because i get the feeling that I'm being followed/talked about. Would even try talking as little as possible (although I wasn't much of a talker to begin with) even with family. It's so bad that I would even avoid going on must website because I think they are about me in some way. TV, radio, any online multiplayer game, even porn... I try to rationalize the situation and tell myself that what I believe would be impossible and illegal. Why would I, a friendless loner with very little connection to anyone,  why would I be the center of attention? Why would anyone care about me, when even I cared very little about myself, give a shit about what I'm doing. I would continuously say to myself to try and keep my composure and keep what little left I had of my sanity but sadly these feelings will just not go away. This has been on my mind since the beginning of February. It caused me to quit my job and just isolate my self even further. I am currently contemplating seeing a doctor but I worry what being labeled a schizophrenia might do for me in the future or that it may hinder me in someway. Plus the feeling that the doctor is "in on it" as well... Still trying to make sense of it all, recovery will be difficult.



Go to a doctor, this isn't even something to contemplate. You need medication. As I understand it, schizophrenia can just happen in early adulthood, and you really, really, need to treat it. You can live a perfectly normal life, or things can get really bad. I dated someone with schizophrenia, and that's not something to fuck around with.
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Re: How's Life?
Reply #87 - 05/11/16 at 20:16:36
 
I like to help, not hurt people. It's the main reason for this reply. I have to be careful though I have my own issues I'm dealing with, but heres a fact: something like 10 out of 10 people have mental problems. The difference is those that get help for it and those that don't. You don't start off with medication you start by talking about the issue. You do this with a professional in a safe environment. This is not exactly a safe environment ( you could be trolled, incorrect info, ect ) 

You should know that most issues can be cured with weeks or months. If it goes on too long you will start to have physical effects. Your body has neurons that are affected by how you feel and effects your whole body. When depressed neuron production slows. When active and happy it increases. Give yourself a hug it will actually increase production.
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Re: How's Life?
Reply #88 - 06/26/16 at 07:27:29
 
I moved to South Carolina some months back and am now living with my girlfriend. Yes, the same girlfriend I've been with for 5 years now. Our relationship is just as strong as ever~

Other than that, I'm still pretty much the same guy. I'm still a fan of anthro stuff (though now I'm also a brony along with that) and I still love Twisted Metal. I'll admit that I don't watch as much anime as I used to but I still think it's cool. I've recently gotten into digital coloring and editing. Photoshop is awesome. Glad to show up here again.
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Re: How's Life?
Reply #89 - 06/26/16 at 15:02:53
 
Good to hear man, and good to see you get out on your own.

Good luck.
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