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Junk: "Fixxor's Birthday Party" (Read 1958 times)
Dim Shades -
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Junk: "Fixxor's Birthday Party"
11/25/12 at 11:06:48
[I began this about a year ago. I laughed at the beginning and by the 2nd page I lost interest and forced jokes in like three cocks into a chicks ass....consider this part of my "Junk" collection (unfinished fics)]

CPF is driving down a stretch of urban highway in his candy apple red Corvette convertible, the night air blowing his hair back like a hurricane. As he turns and looks to his right, there was a fight going on in the parking lot of "Fries & Guys", a restaurant known for only allowing men to eat there - and their bad ass chili fries!

"Is that who the fuck I think that is?" asks CPF to himself as he swerves off the road and drives off into the parking lot. "And it fucking is..."

A tall, bearded man wearing a red flannel shirt began to put the shorter fellow with a white wifebeater shirt in the headlock.

"You think it is ok to steal portions of a mans hard earned meal, you fucking tequila worm?" said the bearded man as he rubbed his knuckles in the shorter fellow's head.

CPF looked at the shorter guy. "Cory. What the hell did you do this time?" as he began to rub his palm over his face.

"That little bastard sniped my chili fries. I oughta snap his neck for it." said the bearded dude.

"Fuck you, bitch." replied Cory as he broke out of the headlock. "I haven't had a bite all day and my wallet got stolen. I had three fries out of your stupid basket."

"You are going to walk away without three fingers, you little bastard. Now piss off." said the bearded man.

"Okay, dude. What's your name?" said CPF both his hands in a 'stop' position.


"Ok, Mr. Hellbent. I'll write you a check for 20 bucks as a means of refunding you for dealing with Captain Wigger here." CPF rips out the check and hands it to him.

Hellbent walks and sits at his table to finish his meal. Cory picks his green backpack up from the ground and pulls out a silver digital camcorder.

"Lets make this a viral night." said Cory, cheesing a smile. "You record this outside the window while I do this magic."

CPF turns on the camcorder and begins to record as Cory walks back inside 'Fries & Guys' and approaches Hellbent with a fiendish smile.

"You come back to have your dick kicked in, little boy?" said Hellbent, his face fueled with rage. "What the fuck you smiling at?"

Cory looks at him, still brandishing the fiendish smile and punches Hellbent in the face, knocking the chili fries out of his mouth. Cory laughs as he runs off and exits out the doors.

"That was pure fucking gold" said Cory as he began to run to the Corvette.

Hellbent jumps from his table and busts out the window with his pants unbuckled as he began to snap his belt.

"I'm coming for you, you little bastard!" he screamed, his face reddened with anger.

"Thats what your wife said last night when I was FUCKING HER UP THE ASS!" replied Cory as he started humping a 'vagina' shape he made with his hands.

As they both begin to drive off, Hellbent began slapping his belt buckle on the back of the Corvette.

"Don't scratch my car, fag." said CPF as hits the gas

Cory and CPF laugh as they drive off into the night.

"I'll find you. Somehow, somewhere....I WILL KICK YOUR ASS, YOU COCKSUCCCCCCKKKKEEERRRR!!!!" screamed Hellbent into the heavens, who just shrugged it off and went back to eat.

"Wow, did you actually pay that dude to not kick my ass?" asked Cory, a man crush beholding before his eyes. "That was cool of you, man."

"You think I'm that much of a fucking idiot?" asked CPF, as he began to casually sip from a green margarita from his drink holder. "I used Fixxor's check book and that twenty dollars is probably going to overdraw his account by about fifteen bucks."

The sound of whimpering and clawing can be heard faintly in the trunk.

"What the fuck is that, dude?" asked Cory as his eyes gazed to the back of the car as if he were fagging out. "You got a dog back there, man?"

The sound of barking becomes audible.

"Nah, that's your ex-girlfriend back there." quipped CPF as he took a sip of his margarita. "She has a furry little red dick and an asshole that looks like a punched in prune. Bitch."

"Nah, female dogs don't have dicks, dumbass." replied Cory, obviously off in another world. "Oh shit, it's Fixxor's birthday, isn't it?" as paranoia struck strong in the presence of his big brown eyes. "Dude, head to Hobby Hut. I need to get that fucking idiot something." as Cory pointed his finger in a random direction.

CPF notices the light is about to transition from yellow to red - but fuck it, he runs it anyway.

"Fuck this. Red lights are an inconvenience to my style. That and I've gotta piss out about 3 Pabst Blue Ribbons." as CPF gunned it to Hobby Hut.

[Inside Hobby Hut - 8:41 PM]

Hobby Hut was the typical hobby store - it had hobbies of yesteryear that this generation let die off. Around the store were kits for train sets, model rockets, kites, model cars, etc.

CPF's eyes got big as he picked up a model car and began to make 'VROOM VROOM' type noises as he pushed it back and forth. An older lady, sitting at the counter, wearing hideously disgusting pink framed glasses began to stare at him while filing her nails.

"Sir." she said as she stopped filing. "You can either buy that toy or leave it alone. I don't make money by watching men in a midlife crisis get a boner over childrens toys."

CPF's childlike smile sunk to a disappointed frown as he stopped playing with it.

"Lady, do you act this way with kids if they come in and play with shit?" asked CPF, still holding the toy. "Ever thought that people want to try it before they buy it? I'm sure your poor husband wanted to check under the hood before he married you to make sure you didn't have an uncircumcised cock."

"Sir, one more and you are out of here." replied the lady, grinding her nail file into the desk. "You can buy that damn toy and do whatever you want with it. Just get out of here!" as she became to angry that her saggy breasts began to dance.

CPF throws five bucks on the counter and then throws the car at the window, shattering the glass and startling the lady.

"I just did whatever I wanted with it!" screamed CPF who began to burst out into a fit of laughter. "Hey, I want a little more merchandise. You mind?"

CPF throws a handful of 100 hundred dollar bills and begins to push over shelves which creates a domino effect of damaged merchandise.

"Before you try to piss off your customers, try being nicer next time." said CPF as he crossed his arm and smiled devilishly. "Oh, is that your labia or a knee pad?" Hi-o!" as CPF walked out.

Cory throws ten bucks on the counter and walks out with a model plane.
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of Fuck and No?

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Re: Junk: "Fixxor's Birthday Party"
Reply #1 - 12/01/12 at 09:15:30

I saw you put something up here ealier in the week but, was to busy in the mornings to read a long story. Now I'm regretting it.

Still funny shit dude. Keep it up if you can!
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---===THE Applejuice Guy===---
Like sucks, then doesn't swallow. So throw it a towel and tell it to fuck off and get out.
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