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Sin-eater TM PS3 (Read 7611 times)
NuN_CHuCK BoY
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Sin-eater TM PS3
06/17/10 at 08:10:24
 
Character name: Unknown, Former Alias: Stanley Carter
Vehicle name: Sin-eater
Vehicle description: A white 1971 Dodge Challenger modified with machine guns, missiles, and whatnot for twisted metal.
Special: Two Mega Chainguns appear on the sides and fire Metal piercing rouns for about 6-8 seconds, it does about the same damage as Thumper's flamethrower special.

Bio: Not much is known about this driver except he goes by the name "Jack" He enters Twisted Metal with nothing to lose, but something very close to him to gain.

Prologue
Narration
"Revenge... Revenge is nothing but a never-ending battle, where nobody wins... But everybody loses."
(Screen remains black through the whole line)

Dialogue
(The scene shows a man with a white shirt, blue pants, black boots, and a brown leather jacket sitting in a interrogation room waiting, then two men walk in and sit at the opposite side of the table, both in nice suits.)

Coleman: Good after-noon sir. I'm Mr. Coleman and this is my partner Mr. Williams...
(Jack just sits there staring at the men)

Coleman: ...And what shall we call you... Mister?...

Jack: Jack sir... call me Jack.

Coleman: Very well Mr. Jack. Now we are gonna go straight to the point. We know who you are... Who you were... And who you pretended to be, Mr. Jack or Mr. Carter whatever your real name is. We know that you used to be a mercenary, assassin, contract killer, or just a cold-blooded murderer... Anyway the point is you were a paid killer and you were good at it, surviving every mission and killing every target and live to tell about it.

Jack: Yeah... What of it? You guys gonna send me to prison and put me away?

Coleman: Prison? Haha why would we send someone with a perfectly good talent to rot away in some cell. No... We had something else in mind.
(Coleman slides a folder across the table to Jack, he opens the folder and sees pictures of gruesome crime scenes and profile pictures of Needles, Cage, Preacher and other contestants)

Coleman: Kane, Cage, Stillwell surely you've heard of these psychos. They're killers Jack, just like you and they have been terrorizing this beautiful world of ours for awhile.
(Jack closes the folder and looks bak at Coleman)

Jack: So they are Mr. Coleman... So what do you need me for?

Coleman: Well word is all these killers will be competing in a contest ran by a man named Calypso, some demolition derby of sorts and the only way to win is by killing all the other competitors.

Jack: Heh.. then why don't you guys just take care of it send in some men and kill'em all.

Coleman: Well we could, but why risk losing some good men when we have you, one of the greatest killers of our time, and if you die then we lose nothing and one less killer in the world for us to deal with goes down in flames. Its a win-win situation... well for us anyway.

Jack: Ha! why would I work for you guys. I don't even do this type of stuff anymore, I don't kill anymore I've changed and in case you didn't notice my family is dead! they were murdered two years ago and I was shot in the head... THE FU*KING HEAD!! and was sent into a coma for the time being, then I wake up to find my family gone and you guys trying to send me to this death match!!.... Now what could you possibly offer to a man that has lost everything and everyone.

Coleman: Well we are glad you brought that up. Mr. Williams give Jak here our proposal.
(Williams gives Jack a envelope, Jack opens it and takes this photo out of it. Jacks Mood and tone competely changes)

Coleman: I see we got your attention, fortunately he was the only one, well other than you, that survived your family's massacre .

Jack: Wh-where is he?! I swear I'll Kill you!!
(Jack stands up and flips the table over and starts to make a move toward Coleman, but is stopped when Williams pulls a gun on him)

Coleman: Easy there man. We don't need you flipping out on us. The boy is safe, just win the contest and kill everyone and you'll get your reunion.

Jack: You can't do this!! This isn't fair!!

Coleman: We can do whatever we want, and fair!? fair would be us putting you away for life for the countless murders you have committed. Jack listen we are giving you a second chance here to live, to have a normal life. All you have to do is win the contest, thats it, and I swear the boy will not be harmed.
(Jack contemplates this in his head and looks at both of the men and reluctantly agrees to this)

Jack: Alright... I'll do it. But tell me, for the sick bastards you are, who the hell are you guys? CIA, FBI?

Coleman: Lets just say we are from a "Higher Power".
(Jack leaves the room and we can hear Coleman in the backgroung "Kill them all"

Narration  
"I can't believe these men, there the crazy ones... But still if there word is true...
(Jack can be seen getting in his car and driving it out of a parking lot and throught the city)

"I have something worth fighting for, worth killing for, worth dying for...
(The camera then cuts to the inside of the car, as he puts someting on the dashboard, and when he moves his hand we see a picture of a 15 year old boy and the scene fades out)
End

So tell me what you guys think? I'll post the middle and ending later.
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Reebok
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Re:  Sin-eater TM PS3
Reply #1 - 06/17/10 at 09:46:47
 
Very good. Nice dialogues and description. I'll be waiting for the middle part Wink
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Logan
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Re:  Sin-eater TM PS3
Reply #2 - 06/17/10 at 15:52:59
 
Not bad at all. I like your writing style. It's like Black with narration before and after the action. Very nice. Can't wait for the middle and ending.
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maxamillionaire
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Re:  Sin-eater TM PS3
Reply #3 - 06/17/10 at 18:27:11
 
Nice, nice. Not the most original idea I've ever seen but you put a good twist into it. I like seeing how you're developing your own writing style and I hope you continue to strive to make your work unique among all the other fics here. I like the name sin-eater too, and you can't go wrong with some good ol 70s muscle. Keep it up.
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And like a fly to the fire, you lie Consumed by desire, confused by the sky And like a moth to the flame you came Broken and mesmerized
 
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NuN_CHuCK BoY
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Re:  Sin-eater TM PS3
Reply #4 - 06/18/10 at 04:43:54
 
Middle
Narration
(Clip shows sub-boss exploding and whatnot and Sin-eater can be seen driving away)

"I'm one-step closer to getting you back son..."
(Shows the inside of the car and Jack looking at the picture)

"All this killing and chaotic madness.... I can't help but think about my old days... before I retired."
(The camera stays on Jack's face for a moment, then flashes back 20 years and we see a much younger Jack dreesed in combat gear and holding a rifle somewhere in South America)

"Its true... I' am er... was a killer, a ruthless one at that, funny how I turned out to be family man, my partners back then wouldn't even recongnize me now, but like them I was a cold-blooded killer, I killed just about anything that crawls, moves, or breathes at one point...
(The scene would show Jack attacking some small town, shooting everyone in his way, then a quick subliminal image flashes of his family, next it shows Jack kicking in a door and he sees a family of a man and wife, with two kids 6 and 10 and the mother is holding a baby, and the family is terrorified as he brings his rifle up up and the camera cuts to his face with the light of the gunshots reflecting off)

"...I try not to think about it anymore, but we were paid money, a large amount, to do so. Thats pretty much how my life went until I met my wife and like that I left that bloody violent lifestyle, changed my name and appearence, got married and started a family, my partners called me soft for that... but I was tired... Tired of killing."
(Shows more scenes of Jack killing people with either a gun, a knife, or his own bare hands. Next we see Jack meet this woman and we our shown quick pictures of thier wedding and having their first kid, a boy Jr. named after his dad)

"Thirteen years had passed and I had a whole family, a wife, two daughters, and... a son. But one day, it seemed like my violent lifestyle had finally caught up with me taking it out on everyone."
(Shows a family portrait with the familyhe described, then it flashes back to the frontdoor of their house, as someone dressed in black knocks at the door and one of Jack's daughters answers it only to see a gun pulled on her, she looks straight down the barrel and it goes off)

"It was just another day... me and my boy were out back... playing catch and I can't seem to remember what happened it went down like a blur, random gufire and blood everywhere... and images of my dead family keep flashing in my head. I remember fighting somebody though it seemed I was fighting more than one... The next thing I remember was lying on the ground bloodied and next to my family and a gun pointed at my head and the trigger pulled..."
(shows father and son playing catch in the backyard and then random flashes of blured images of the killer breaking in and killing his wife and other daughter, then more flashes and subliminal images of gunshots and the violence and the fight between the killer or killers and Jack thats to blured to make out competely, and finally Jack on the ground half-dead with someone standing over him but due to Jack's memory we can't make the killer out and he pulls the trigger Bang!!)

"When I woke up the doctors told me I suffered some minor memory loss, which explains why I can't make out what happened. The police contacted me and said I was the only survivor and that a year ago they caught the killers... Somehow I don't believe them I may not know who the killers were but the ones they put away were just thugs, nothing more."
(Shows Jack waking up in a hospitable bed, talking to doctors and the police, and Jack is looking at the mugshots of the suspected killers)  

"Now I've been told that my son is still alive... I don't know what to believe anymore... But there is only one way to find out... By winning this damned contest!"
(The scene cuts back to Jack in his car looking at the photo of his son with tears in his eyes, then he wipes his face and is shown shifting gears and speeding away to the next battle)

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NuN_CHuCK BoY
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Re:  Sin-eater TM PS3
Reply #5 - 06/18/10 at 04:54:51
 
Sorry I had to post the ending in another post due to length but here it is.

Ending
Dialogue
(Jack had just defeated the final boss and drives away to meet Calypso)

Jack: Well I did it, I killed all your contestants... (Cocks gun) Now all that is left is you. (Points gun at Calypso)

Calypso: Heh heh well done Jack but before you pull that trigger don't you want to know what happened to your beloved family? Like who killed them?

Jack: All I'm concerned with is seeing my son after I'm done here.

Calypso: You don't get it do it do you? You were just a pawn in this game to begin with, a little advice... becareful on who you trust. Now just give me the gun and I'll show you who the real bad guy to your story is.
(Jack thinks about it for amoment but agrees and gives Calypso the gun)

Calypso: Good... and now some more advice... Never pull a gun on me again!
(pulls the gun on Jack and shoots him, screen goes black)

Narration
"Calypso wasn't lieing, it was like a dream, I saw exactly what happened on that day and I remember what happened, I remember seeing my wife-Sarah holding my daughter-Kim both were dead, telling my son to get out of here, then gun fire from differant directions and Jr. disappeared, so I got my stashed gun from the kitchen cabinet and I started firing but I was outnumbered... by four of them, I remember seeing my other daughter-Katie dead at the front door, then all the fighting and carnage finally I was thrown to the ground and from there I could see their faces all of them... It was Coleman, the man standing above me, I could also make out Williams and two other men and then the trigger pulled."
(The clip shows everything Jack just said and the scene would be dreamlike but not blurred out or flashed, just played out clearly)

"I woke up in my car next to this warehouse and I knew immediatly... Jr. was in there. So I went in ready to blow away the first thing I see."
( Jack wakes up next to a warehouse, he gets out of the car, loads a clip into his gun and runs to the door of the warehouse and kicks it in)

Dialogue
(Jack is seen navigating cautiously through the warehouse)

Son: Dad is that you?
(Jack recognizes the voice, he drops his guard and walks toward the voice and sees his son for the first time in two years)

Jack: All son that is you... (They rush to each other and give a hug to one another, they let go)

Son: Dad... I-I thought you were dead. Heh They told me you were coming.

Jack: They?... Did they hurt you?

Son: No... dad they didn't... But I've read and heard things about you... is.. is it true... that your a mercenary, an assassin?

Jack: Heh don't believe everything you read or hear son...
(There reunion is short lived when a big hanger door opens and Coleman is seen walking out of it and toward Jack and son)

Jack: You... You Son-of-a-Bitch!! I'm going to kill you!! (Jack aims his gun at Coleman and steps toward him a little)

Son: Wait Dad what are you talking about?

Jack: This this Bastard... He was the one who killed mom and your sisters and me and you if we didn't make it out alive.

Coleman: Well it seems you have figured out my big suprise, but first of all congradulations on winning the contest, you really have done a great service to this country and world.

Jack: Just shut up you freak! I'm going to kill you and everyone of your fed buddies...

Son: But dad this...

Jack: Son get away right now! I don't want you seeing this!

Coleman: He's right kiddo, you should go find some cover. Now Jack I should explain myself... Our job in the world is to find... well bad people in general and eliminate them from the world to make it a better place.

Jack: Well I might have deserved something coming to me, but my family!.. they didn't deserve any of it!

Coleman: That sir is your own wrong doing... A killer trying to hide behind a family, take away the family and you just have a killer and I have one last bullet... Bullet meets head and we get to go home. Intially our first plan was to just find you and kill you and everyone around you and pin it on some thugs on the street... killing two birds with one stone sort of speak. But as you know, you had survived and so had your son, he went to the neighbors house smart kid he is, well anyways we hatched a plan to keep your son alive and wait for you to wake up from your sleep and we would bribe you with him in order for your... how shall I say this uh "Talents" yeah thats the word and it was all Lynch's plan... Come on Lynch give them a bow.
(Coleman points to a balcony to his left and a man is set up their with a sniper rifle pointed at Jack, he gets up and gives him a bow, Jack changes his target to Lynch)

Coleman: All he's a sport isn't h...

Jack: You are all FU*CKING CRAZY!! I'm going to end this right NOW!!
(Jack points his gun back at Coleman but is stopped by three gunshots coming from differant directions one in his thigh, another in his hip, and the last hit his hand causing him to drop his gun, Jack falls to his knees and just looks down realizing his fate)

Coleman: How rude... Now as I was saying before I was interrupted... It seems you have become the killer of killers and took out all the baddest people in the world... Now all that is left is you... Smith... Williams get out here and say goodbye to Jack here.
(Smith and Williams leave their places and walk up to Jack and point their guns at his chest from a point blank range)

Jack: I LOVE YOU SON!!(He screams as the men pull their triggers and the bullets just flow through Jack's chest and he falls on his face dead)

Son: Dad!!(he screams as he runs over to his dad's corpse, he drops down and lays his head on him crying)

Smith: What do we do with the boy?

Coleman: ah leave him, someone will be here to get him later.(The men leave)

Narration
"Revenge... Revenge is nothing but a never-ending battle where nobody wins, but everybody loses."
(The son is seen crying over his dad's lifeless body then he looks at the ground and notices something fell out of his dad's pocket, he picks it up and they are the keys to Sin-eater, he clenches the keys in his fist, the camera cuts to his face as he wipes the tears of his face and stares angerly into the camera and cuts to black right when the line is over)

END Credits roll

So yeah what do you all think?  
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Reebok
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Re:  Sin-eater TM PS3
Reply #6 - 06/18/10 at 09:44:38
 
Is just so awesome  Shocked
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ThumperMan3000
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Re:  Sin-eater TM PS3
Reply #7 - 06/19/10 at 03:23:46
 
Now that's a good story. Shame Calypso gave him his wish, only to have it backfire.

I hope there's a sequel where the son gets his shot at revenge.
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maxamillionaire
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Re:  Sin-eater TM PS3
Reply #8 - 06/19/10 at 15:47:35
 
Good stuff man. Great story. The writing got a little jumbled in the middle in my opnion but the end product was impressive. I liked how the ending gave the son a chance to compete in a new tournament. Please do more
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And like a fly to the fire, you lie Consumed by desire, confused by the sky And like a moth to the flame you came Broken and mesmerized
 
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NuN_CHuCK BoY
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Re:  Sin-eater TM PS3
Reply #9 - 06/20/10 at 07:55:09
 
Thanks Guys! Its always cool to recieve good feedback and comments. Smiley I know my story writing isn't the best but I do try my best.


Alright next up.... Sin-eater II: Jack's Revenge...
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