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Twisted Metal Momentum (Read 2405 times)
Axel the Amazing
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Twisted Metal Momentum
06/02/10 at 01:05:08
 
Calypso(Narrating) : Throughout the days of Twisted Metal You see rounds fire through the air, crimson flames of a once destroyed city, now a wasteland you gaze at it from a distance it only looks back a blank stare. You see screaming civilians run in terror and fear, some say the mind twists and bends to cope with these troubles but when enough is enough it finally snaps, you go crazy and get stowed away to asylums like  dogs. That's where I come in... Hello I'm Calypso and welcome to Twisted Metal.
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Axel the Amazing
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Re: Twisted Metal Momentum
Reply #1 - 06/02/10 at 01:38:01
 
My competition is a destructive free-for-all in which you all fight for the death for a wish of your choosing. Here we go! Go! Go! Go!

My name is Michael Pyles. I'm competing to get revenge on that clown for savagely murdering my son in last years competition. just another day at the office.
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Axel the Amazing
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Re: Twisted Metal Momentum
Reply #2 - 06/02/10 at 01:48:16
 
Here we go the cars are under way. I've already spotted a few formidable targets. they're racing down streets guns blazing i try to find the right moment to open fire. Trying to do this for my son but I'm lost in my sea of despair.
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maxamillionaire
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Re: Twisted Metal Momentum
Reply #3 - 06/02/10 at 01:58:50
 
Well it's always good to see new faces around here with new ideas. I will give you some advice first:

There's no need to triple post. Those three posts could have easily been one, with separate paragraphs. And slow down a bit, don't rush your writing. Take your time, expand on your ideas, clarify them a little more. For example it would be nice to know what vehicle Michael Pyles is driving. If he's going to be the main character it would be nice to see a little more explanation. And your whole story could use a little more exposition, it jumped into the action kind of quickly without much setup. Lastly, it's always fun to use proper grammar. Commas are your friend, and capitalizing at the beginning of sentences is paramount.

Sorry if I came off a bit critical, I just want to help you improve. Reading other fics is always helpful, thumpermann, dizasterchild, oddz, or myself for example.  I am excited to see where you go with this. Please continue  Smiley
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And like a fly to the fire, you lie Consumed by desire, confused by the sky And like a moth to the flame you came Broken and mesmerized
 
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Re: Twisted Metal Momentum
Reply #4 - 06/06/10 at 15:51:03
 
Yes. Please take the advice of Max. It's the same thing I would've said.

When you hit 3 replys like that, it's considered spamming. All that can go into one posting. You have roughly 9900 word space for 1 post/reply. That should be enough for most anyone.

I'd hate to have to really mod you because your new. Just take the advice given, and you should be fine.
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