thanks for the support guys.

I took some incentive and talked to Target and my Grandmother hooked me up with an agency through the LDS church that may be able to help me end up in a good job. Going to talk to Target again this Thursday because they said they're opening another store and would need to pull my application through name.. so that may lead to something for the time being.

Speaking of Nightshades run in with cops and injustice. My girlfriend recently got picked up and spent the day in jail because of some shit she didnt do. What happened was she wasnt letting her ex-husband see his son because he had been beating on him and just generally being an asshole. Just so happens his house got broke into a few months back so because my girlfriend wouldnt let him see his son he told the cops that my girlfriend, her daughter, and her daughters boyfriend are the ones that broke into his house, when of course they didnt.

So even though my girlfriend and the others dont match the descriptions of the perps and they have absolutely no evidence they still come to her house and arrest her and take her downtown for questioning. Then they refused her her medication and did the whole good cop, bad cop routine and basically said we know you did it so you just need to admit it. They said they had been following her for days and know what shes been up to which was a lie because she had been out of town for a few days. They finally let her out after almost an entire day in jail. Then the next day they come and pick up her daughter and her daughters boyfriend and take them down for questioning. They finally let all of them go but the cops still want to believe that they are the ones who did it.

So my girlfriend goes to court the other day and because there is no evidence, people have vouched for their where abouts at the time of the break in, and the conditions and events surrounding this would have to be obvious to anyone with a brain why this was happening, I told my girlfriend that it would be ok and that the judge would more than likely just throw it out. For one the judge should see that my girlfriend has a restraining order against her ex so why would she break into his house because she doesnt want him near her as hes dangerous and abusive. Two, anyone can see that its because she is trying to keep him from seeing their son that all this is happening, and three, if he knew it was her that did it then why didnt he report the shit three or four months ago when it happened.

So she goes to court thinking everything is going to be ok but instead the judge sets another court date for later on down the road. The cops let her go that day but the one cop was like, well Im still not convinced it wasnt you and dont think you are free to go now until the court date. He said, I havent decided yet whether Im going to come back and pick you up in the next day or two and basically make you sit in jail until its time to go back to court which would be six months to a year. At this time the cops havent come back and arrested her yet again, but its wearing on her knowing that she might go to jail at any time for something she didnt even fucking do.

So WTF!!!!! I mean seriously, can I just randomly say anyone broke into my house and then get them arrested and thrown in jail? Is that the type of legal system we have in this country? Ive never really had much experience with the legal system and things like this but after this experience I have no faith in our justice system at all. I mean, I understand that the cops shouldve questioned her and the others as thats only fair and right but the way this thing has escalated is beyond ridiculous. Not that I get to see my girlfriend that much anyway but in the event that he does go to jail for something she didnt fucking do that would be devastating to both me and her, not to mention her kids and family.

I cant go into a whole lot of detail but its just fucking aggravating knowing all the stuff hes done to her in the past, even some recent stuff hes done that I cant talk about that would make any sane man want to kill him...and I fucking do, and yet hes never had to pay for his crimes and his sins yet my girlfriend has to endure even more torture and embarrassment from this man when all shes trying to do is the right thing and just get on with her life.

This isnt helping my stress levels and anger right now at all as I would give anything to just completely destroy this man. I know vaguely what he looks like but I dont know where he lives and thats probably for the better because if the right pieces were in place Id probably just go beat the shit out of this dude and fucking kill him many times over. Again, there is something he did last year to my girlfriend that I only recently found out about and I cant really go into on here, but bottom line is that not only is this guy fucking with my girlfriend, her life, and her families lives, but hes fucked up my relationship with my girlfriend in ways you guys cant possibly understand.

I feel so fucking helpless in all of this as everything is working against me and against me and my girlfriend. There is nothing I can do that wont get me thrown in jail except sit around and just let it all happen. That is a terrible feeling.

Sorry, just had to get this shit out. I know no one cares.

Well, it felt good to get it out at the time but now I just feel stupid and like a whiny bitch. Oh well. I dont really give a shit.

Well, good news on my end. I fucking did everything in my power and everything finally worked out that needed to and Im finally getting some quality time with my girlfriend today. My roommate is going to be gone so we have the whole house to ourselves. Needless to say Im getting fucked up and pounding that shit all god damn mother fucking day! Today is something Ive needed, weve needed, for a long long time and I plan to enjoy every fucking second of it. Today will be a major stress reliever for me. Im all giddy like a school boy about to lose his virginity all over again. All up at 10 o'clock in the morning and shit. Feels like christmas morning or something.

:::runs to open present:::

YES! You got my just what I wanted Santa! Quality time with my girlfriends vagina!

Sometimes i just want to OD on painkillers. Letting lose anger has no real effect on me anymore. All empty words and expression that accomplishes nothing.

Drugs are a temp fix. Once used too long. You just end up feeding an addiction. Only good once in awhile at best. Still just a mask.

Love helps. Seems impossible to hold onto that. Happiness based on love is dangerous anyways. But it fucking works. I would gladly die chasing it.

The bar is going to kill me. I was beyond my limit a month ago. Now i am literally going insane. It's too much to put on a man. But i can't just drop my $750,000 investment. I just need help, but good help just isn't cost effective.

It's just a matter of time. I'm going to fucking snap.

I need a hot assistant. Or at least one that isn't a drug addicted theif.

I was going to apply for the job until I noticed you aren't hiring drug addicted thieves.  Fuck.  Lower your expectations, asshole.

To be honest though, I'm definitely with you on everything you said.  Love is a bunch of Hallmark bullshit that will never last.  It's human nature to always strive for more, for better.  The grass is always greener effect.  She will leave you or you will leave her for something perceived better, and it won't be, and the effect is an irreparable relationship that cannot be patched with all the drywall spackle in the world.

Honestly I feel like I'm just ready to die as it is.  I would never take my own life, because I feel its every organisms duty to sustain life, thats why we eat, fuck, and have our primal instincts after all.  So suicide to me is counterproductive as an individual, society, and life form.  I can't tell you I haven't wished something would come along and wipe me out though to get this over with.  I guess you could say it might be fear of a higher power, but I think I'm more privileged then most other humans are out there, so I don't want my next life to be some homeless guy either just because I put a bullet in my head and the big man upstairs decides to punish me.

Otherwise if he doesn't exhist I would just be turning the lights out and miss out on all of the cool games coming out this year and next.  Either way, it doesn't sound fun.  So the only thing you can do is wake up, curse another day and try to roll out of bed.

Exactly.  Now you see where I'm coming from.

P.S.  Post activity has doubled since everything went...BLACK.

You want to cream on me at a stop light? Thats fucking gay you fagtastic homo.