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The world is a monster (Read 14963 times)
Hellbent
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The world is a monster
05/22/09 at 11:20:52
 
I quit smoking today.

But i drank 7oz of Vodka, 70oz of energy drink, and had a lortab. I would feel suicidal but technically i am already killing my self.

I had to really try to not punch 5 different people. To the point i could feel a numb sting in my arm. I was forcing restraint so hard i could physically feel it. I sware if someone shoves me, pushes me, or smacks me in the back of the head. If i don't know who they are. I am going to go apeshit crazy. After 2 years i shouldn't have to make an example out of anyone god damn it.

It's gonna happen. My eyes feel sick. Like i've hit a dead end mentally, yet the world continues. There is nothing i can do but hold it in. Expressing my negative emotions is generally bad for business.

Too bad i can't smoke herb at work. Sure it's still smoking, but a joint usually keeps me level for at least 4 hours. A cigarette lasts for about as long as it's lit.

Preferably it'd be great to live dead sober. But life just isn't rewarding enough right now.

But it's not that my situation is all that fucking unique. I'm sure one of you miserable internet bastards has some experence to share.
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Pse7en
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Re: The world is a monster
Reply #1 - 05/22/09 at 12:52:07
 
Good for you man.

But to be honest, its not over. Its gonna be a struggle for the rest of your life. I just hope you have the willpower.

Good luck man.
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Methid Man
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Re: The world is a monster
Reply #2 - 05/22/09 at 12:57:33
 
This is kinda how every Ramadan feels for me in the very beginning when it comes so suddenly to me that I can't eat, drink or get my rocks off.

Desire is a difficult thing to ignore but in the end we become better people for learning to overcome it.


-- Sam the Methid Man
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Re: The world is a monster
Reply #3 - 05/22/09 at 13:56:02
 
Sorry Hellbent. No comforting words here. It's nothing but a painfull experiance that you have to get through.

The longer you can go holding your willpower, the easier it will be. It's just the 1st month that is a real bitch. Once you get past that, it gets easier really.

I will say this though.....it's been 1 month short of 13 years for me, and every now and then when I catch a wiff of a ciggarette, I'll still go "damn" 13 freaking years and the urge can still come back. Or you catch yourself holding a pencil or pen like one.

Hang in there Hellbent. I know it's easy to say but if you can get through the 1st month, you'll be fine/
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Re: The world is a monster
Reply #4 - 05/22/09 at 17:54:47
 
I got addicted to painkillers once when I broke my leg (Like House!) oh well, got through that pretty easily.
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Re: The world is a monster
Reply #5 - 05/22/09 at 21:23:10
 
Trying to stay sober is a daily battle for the most part. It gets worse when like you say life isnt rewarding and with my current situation life isnt rewarding in the slightest, not to mention the past couple days have been fucking hell for me. Getting fucked up for the past 10 years its really hard to try to be sober. I know you are like me in that you like to drink, smoke pot, and generally do anything to give you a good buzz and make you feel good, especially when you are just sitting around at home playing video games and shit.

I still like to drink my beer though as I cant quit everything and Ive never been one to enjoy getting drunk so I can always do that in moderation. Had to quit pounding the liquor though as I was affraid Id kill my liver. I would recommend down-grading to beer but at the same time drinking a lot of beer will generally just put weight on you. It doesnt for all people depending on metabolism but it does for me if I drink it all the time so that another reason why I dont drink it as much.

Best advice I can give you is to just find reasons not to do certain things and really justify them to yourself like what I said about not drinking beer all the time. I dont want to be a fat ass and I would still like to be able to pick up the ladies so Im not going to be indulging in beer drinking everyday and getting fat. If drinking a bunch of alcohol is just going to make you angry then maybe dont drink so much that you get to that point as no one wants to walk around pissed off. Or just try to spend the money you would spend on drugs or alcohol or cigarettes on something else. Thats what I do a lot of times. If I have a lot of excess money in my hand that I know I could use to buy things I shouldnt Ill just go use it on something else like food, games, books, movies, or just take the money and put it somewhere where you cant touch it.
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Re: The world is a monster
Reply #6 - 05/23/09 at 02:29:06
 
I'm probably the last person on this site that should be giving advice about quitting anything so I'm not going to do that. I've never been good about getting rid of addictions... Illegal drugs are the only thing I've ever been able to give up sucessfully (how I really have no idea to this day)... it was mostly fear of losing my freedom that allowed me to stay with it. At that age jail was a terrifying concept so it wasn't all that difficult of a choice I suppose. College helped greatly too that ate up all my mental energy and gave me the opportunity to follow my passions in an enabling atmosphere full of people that motivated and inspired me in equal measure. anyhoo enough about me...

I don't really see anyone else asking this so I'll go ahead and throw it out there... why is that you want to quit? (don't misread that... everyone says If you want to quit you can do it... I don't intend on telling you the obvious.)  and more importantly... Are your reasons for wanting to quit it worth it to you in comparison to simply continuing to smoke at a lesser rate perhaps?

I ask these questions because as a smoker myself... I've never had the urge to stop... Smoking is a ritual that I enjoy and I have always thought that attempting to cut it out of my routine would be just another way of torturing myself. I know myself well ... If I tryed it I would know without a doubt that I would fail in the back of my head even though on the surface I'd have gone to great pains to convince myself that I'm strong enough to pull it off... So in the end I'd start smoking again and hate myself for it consequence'ly worse off than where I began. Now I'm not saying that your not strong enough. I've always thought of you as a very strong willed character Hellbent even if you can't see it yourself. What I'm getting it is that from the sounds of how you talk about the world and how you deal with it quitting any of the habits that give you any amount of pleasure or peace of mind is just an unnecessary punishment... and not the self empowering  decision that ideally is how everyone seems to see it in this thread and across the nation.

I think what Xisor had to say is the most realistic advice I've seen here given your worldview and constant stressfull situations. Dropping the liquour and pills sounds a whole lot more useful to you than quitting smoking. Downgrading to beer is a good plan. Perhaps even picking up some loose tobacco and just rolling your own would be a good idea too. that's actually a pretty enjoyable ritual once you get used to it and I guaranfuckingtee you'll smoke half as much as you did before.

Now please don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be discouraging. I just wanted to point all this out because I'm not sure if anyone has considered it. I know that I can't always see what is obvious to others.
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Re: The world is a monster
Reply #7 - 05/23/09 at 04:20:55
 
hell man, at least you're doing something for yourself. albeit, picking up another worse habit isnt the track to get on.. and if quitting smoking is just gonna make you violent and a potential danger to yourself and others, you might wanna re-evaluate the consequences of your actions. I hope that in the end, you can successfully get yourself off of all your addictions.. I really do
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Hellbent
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Re: The world is a monster
Reply #8 - 05/23/09 at 11:25:14
 
Thanks for the support. Most others are being dicks about it.

I smoked 6 cigarettes today. Sad part was it wasnt exactly a stressful day. For the most part it was quite fun.

Went to a outdoor concert to promote. Hung out backstage. Drank and ate for free while chatting with some of my favorite musicians. Saw a hellova show too. Great times that i will remember forever.

But i just want to smash shit. I imagine socking people for no reason. Some people i care about. I want to destroy. The feeling is so deep and strong i feel like i might be better off smoking my self into an early grave.

I am a peacful guy really, i despise people who lash out. It is the ultimate sign of weakness. I need to find a real solution.

I think i have more problems than a nicotine habit. I'd still like to live past 30.

Killing my body and mind with chemicals isn't doing me any favors on sanity or health though. I can't win.

Maybe i'm just not happy enough with life.
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Re: The world is a monster
Reply #9 - 05/23/09 at 16:12:46
 
"and more importantly... Are your reasons for wanting to quit it worth it to you in comparison to simply continuing to smoke at a lesser rate perhaps?"

That's true too. It's such a bitch man to do it the 1st time. I tried to do it at a lesser rate 2 times before I got it done. I realized that it was all or nothing then. It depends on the person really. Some people can do it that way, some can't. If smoking less will make your stress level lower, but still make you feel like you can stop gradually, try that.

I personally couldn't do it because I'd just want another one when life was sucking. 2 1/2-3 packs a day. Yea....life sucks.

The alcohol was a demon I had to cut back on too. I'm no angel, but I cut back alot. It's funny when I cut back drinking beer like I did, I lost some wieght. Strange how that works.  Cheesy
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Re: The world is a monster
Reply #10 - 05/23/09 at 17:19:59
 
Hellbent,

Just keep up what you are doing and you'll be fine. Its not going to be easy, but what is in this life?

Sorry that its difficult, just keep it up.
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XIZOR
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Re: The world is a monster
Reply #11 - 05/23/09 at 18:16:13
 
I know we talked on Live the other night HB, but if you ever need to talk to anyone Im usually always on my 360.
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Hellbent
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Re: The world is a monster
Reply #12 - 05/26/09 at 02:21:32
 
Nothing like a death threat to make one smoke again. I was doing pretty good. Now i have to look out for a guy in a "Weather Chaser" truck.

Sad part is it has nothing to do with my bar. Someone is just too fucking macho to drop his gay little fight. Next time i'm just locking out anyone too stupid to spectate.

The guy i ended up helping antagonized the bar next door. Argued too much over a padded tab. The best way to handle that is to call your damn credit card vendor and report a false charge. Those fuckers have insurance for that shit.

It's hard for me to watch people beating the shit outta anyone on my doorstep. I still gained nothing from that instance. I can only hope the guy was one of those types that over does his threats to compensate for his insecurity. Unfortunately it would be pretty easy to shoot me if someone really wanted to.

Oh yeah Happy Birthday to me. I got a death threat after a full day of working drunk. YEAH 24 YEARS OLD!

It's pretty cool that i at leasf made it this far. I expected to die in a car accident by now. Being shot by a Weather Chaser is a boring way to die.

At least his dumb ass truck is easily identified.
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XIZOR
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Re: The world is a monster
Reply #13 - 05/26/09 at 03:13:01
 
The guy in the "Wheater Chaser" truck out to kill you isnt Cary Elwes from Twister is it?

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Re: The world is a monster
Reply #14 - 05/26/09 at 11:49:37
 
Jonas Miller is a Night crawler. We all started out in the same lab and then Jonas went and got himself some corporate sponsors. He's in it for the mining, not the science. He's got a lot of high tech gadgets, but he doesn't have instinct...and he doesn't have Dorothy.


RUN HELLBENT RUN!
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