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Message started by ÜAdonael on 07/30/18 at 09:31:31

Title: Real life
Post by ÜAdonael on 07/30/18 at 09:31:31
I relapsed tonight because things are going to well for me. I'm scared. I found a woman who is pure and loves me as so.

But here I am drinking so much like a pathetic loser. God dammit. I try I really do. But I don't deserve it not one bit. I'm a terrible person. I've done some horrible things I'm not over yet. Though maybe I'm get over out in time .

Relapsing hits you like a fucking brick though you know you are better than this. You be cone so far.

Look at this tomorrow self. Solber self vs drunk self. Look at what this alcohol does to you man
Its ok to relax but you took it too far tonight.

Yeah you lost some things you love, but you still got people that love you. Pick. Your pathetic ads up tomorrow.

Your father need a you. Without you he would of lost his mind. It would of been it but you bought him back from the edge. He's all you got besides her. And she is loving. She is forgiving. Don't take her for granted.

The self destructive pattern has to stop.

You'll never see your daughter you have to accept that.move one.

Life is still worth living.

Listen to me.

I'm drunk and I know.

Solber me don't hate yourself you are a good man. Remember  to love yourself. Our failures only build our character

Giittem tiger.

Title: Re: Real life
Post by Magnum on 07/30/18 at 15:21:28
Just like in the How's life (?) post. I'm not gonna pretend to know whats wrong. Just like your post here says, your fighting yourself. There is no greater battle.

Alcohol is like blood for me. I have to stare the same demon in the eyes everyday and say I hate him too. I still drink but, I moderate.

Stop drowning yourself. Does no good. It also really feels like shit the next day, and only gets worse as you get older.

You do you as best you can, but don't ever leave out those that are important to you.

Title: Re: Real life
Post by Thumpy on 07/31/18 at 18:06:39
I knew two people who drank themselves to death over the last year alone (my lawyer, and a friend of a friend), my brothers girl friend committed suicide last December, we knew her for 34 years.

There are many things that drive people to drink, the world is cruel, you either sink or swim, thats the society we live in now, the fight never ends (like brushing your teeth everyday).

I was never a drinker but can always be one like everyone else.

I even go to this site to learn drinks, its a hobby of mine now.

However I put a 3-4 drink a week limit on myself ( 3 for women, 4 for men).

If I ever raise this number I will likely enter your world ÜAdonael.

If you can't enjoy life there is no reason to be here, if your not enjoying life find a way to enjoy it.

That is your responsibiliy to yourself and everyone else in your life.

Title: Re: Real life
Post by MoshfieldAsylum on 08/01/18 at 09:24:59
There's no chemical solution to a spiritual problem.

You can't control life, but you don't have to let life always control you. The past is in the past, although nowadays all these holier than thou motherfuckers wanna hang the past over anyone trying to better themselves. And then that frustration leads back to bottle, for some. to the needle or pipe for others. Some die young from that mistake, some keep getting chances until they are old. We all know examples of both. Everyone struggles with life, to a degree. There are exaggerated expressions like "inner demons" and "personal demons"... which is all bullshit you know, because there is nothing demon-ish about it. It's all very human actually.

Title: Re: Real life
Post by ÜAdonael on 04/25/19 at 03:33:37
For the longest time I've put this off. Mainly because I dont want to talk about it but it's part of the solution regardless of the media.

I lost my dad recently and this is one of the hardest things I have ever been through. He was my dad my friend and brother. No matter what happens we had one another's backs. As I got older I became the pillar he leaned on as his health got worse. But in this world after he's go ne I've found myself quite lost. I'm sure with time I will figure it out.

But tonight is hard. Quite hard. Ive sobbed, drank and done everything I could to try to fill this loneliness but it's a void I am going to have to get used to. As my home is no more. I am to wonder and find a† new place to call home hopefully some day soon.

Title: Re: Real life
Post by Magnum on 04/30/19 at 18:46:52
Unfortunately the only thing that will help is time. at least you had a great relationship with him, and were there at the end. I know that had to mean alot to him so, use that to help.

Never gone though. Always will be in your heart and mind. It's the sadness that has to heal.

Title: Re: Real life
Post by SynthR on 05/06/19 at 01:45:34
Adonael, I'm really sorry for your loss. I've gone through it recently myself. I know youíve had a rough go for years; at least since Iíve read your posts on this site. I just want you to know I feel for you and encourage you to not give up. Things will get better. It might not seem like it and it could take years, but believe me, it will happen. You just have to put in the work. You canít expect anyone to save you. Thatís harsh, I know, but itís a step toward fixing whatís broken.

I can't speak to addiction, but I can speak to facing fears, accepting truth and mental illness. I donít know if anything Iíll say is helpful or not, but in the event that it might be to yourself or someone else reading, Iíll tell a recent story about my life. Please donít think Iím trying to hijack this topic. Iím doing this because I believe it could help others. Also, Iím sorry that itís so long; Iím a writer and this is what happens when my thoughts spill out. Be aware that itís a bit graphic at points.

I've always had long-standing issues with my parents for a multitude of reasons over the years. They were emotionally abusive to pretty much everyone around them right up until their final days. As an only child, I would be on the receiving end of text messages, emails, voicemails, carrier pigeon, every other form of fucking communication daily detailing how much they hate their lives, want to die and how I'm a horrible son for not running to their beck and call. They were full grown adults, who in actuality, were my first children.

My last three years have been an absolute rollercoaster ride of bullshit. One bad thing after the next. Every time I hit rock bottom, I wondered how much worse it could get it...turns out it can get much, much worse.

My dad started showing signs of decline three years ago. It took a year and a half of falls, agony, dropping cutlery, and being unable to hold up his own body weight before he was finally diagnosed with ALS. He became a prisoner in his own home on a borrowed hospital bed and a hostage trapped in his body as everything slowly began to stop working from the neck down. He was in and out of the hospital during his final year, which was a tease because I wanted his suffering to end as fast as possible. I have never seen a disease so awful and unforgiving.

The last time he was in the hospital, he died but they brought him back because he didnít have DNR status (Do Not Resuscitate). He was too scared to let go. I knew he wanted to be released but just didnít have the courage to do it. I had a lawyer come to the hospital a few days later to give me Power of Attorney (POA) over both of my parents. My dad blinked his acknowledgement of what I was about to do as the life support machine prevented him from speaking. Several days later, his organs began giving out and he was placed in a medically induced coma. This was it. I was forced to pick the date and time of his death as the POA. In the most literal way, I had my dadís life in my hands. He passed away in February 2018 with his family by his side.

My mother, already losing her mind by this point and horribly sick from abusing herself for years, was actually in the same hospital at the same time as my dad. She went into ICU with a blood infection that was nearly fatal two weeks before my dadís final days. She didnít know who I was, where she was, could barely speak. Luckily, she snapped out of it just before my dad passed and was able to be there for his last moments. When she was released five weeks later, she went back to an empty home. I tried to get her setup with everything she needed, removed things that would remind her of my dadís decline and we had PSWs coming in to help her rehabilitate. It didnít take long before she stopped answer the phone, the front door and stopped going out for groceries. She was discharged from PSW care and would only speak to me. She demanded things of me that were not reasonable, told me I was a horrible son, apologized and said she didnít mean any of it, and so it went on.

She was in and out of the hospital five times last year, diagnosed with lupus, developed another infection and was warned that if she continued to consume sugar on the level that she did then her 330-pound body and diabetes would kill her. Her house turned into a dumpster of food scraps and trash, and the cats used every inch of carpet as their litter box. I tried everything. I took video of her life, showed doctors and asked counsellors to intervene to no avail. Nobody cared. I was told that unless sheís suicidal or verbally stating that she was going to hurt someone else, there was nothing to be done. People joke about Canadaís free health care, but Iíve repeatedly watch it fail. And thatís exactly what happened, the system fucking failed yet another person in my life.

My mom could barely walk by this point, couldnít take care of herself or the house, she needed help every step of the way. I paid for grocery deliveries, took care of her bills, tried to convince her to move to a one-floor apartment, cleaned her house and property...I started doing whatever I could when I came into town, but the reality was that my mom gave up. She struggled with horrible depression for decades and it was out in full force. She would often call me in tears talking about how much she missed her favourite cat who passed away last November, but wouldnít mention my dad and how much she might have missed him. I supposed she was blocking out those memories.

In the last phone call I ever had with my mom, I wasnít very nice to her...I was at my witís end. My mom was preventing herself from getting better and began wondering why she was still around to which I played off as just more drama. I took her grocery list and ordered it while on the phone, told her to be ready for 6:30 p.m. for the drop off and told her I loved her. End call.

Five days go by and I couldnít reach her. She never picked up the phone in the past so I didnít think much of it. On the sixth day and fearing the worst, I asked my aunt to check on her since I live over an hour away. My auntís friend went into the house first and found a trail of fecal matter and blood leading into the basement where my mother was found dead. She had fallen down two flights of stairs in her split-level home. How it happened and how she made her way down both flights is up for speculation. The one thing that I feared and repeatedly warned her about actually happened. I begged her to leave because stairs plus the inability to walk equal a massive risk. No exact date of death was given as she was found days later, but she passed away nearly a year to the day of when my dad did. This happened this past February.

That week, I took ownership of all my parentís debts (because we never had much money) and buried their ashes together in the same $700 drilled-out hole in the ground at the cemetary. This was their final act of drama, to leave me with both their financial and biological mess to clean up. And let me tell you, putting on a hazmat suit to do a walkthrough of your childhood home so the professional cleaning services can give you a quote is fucking surreal.

All of this shit has been surreal, but through it all I allowed myself to feel the emotions that would hit me like a falcon punch. I face everything as it comes and itís never easy. I cry. I shake from anxiety. I sit and stare at nothing. I go to work. I lay awake in darkness. I hulk out and smash objects. I scream. I laugh. I mourn. Iím still a husband and father. Thereís no hiding from the truth, so I surrender myself to it. Life marches on with or without you. It owes you nothing. I donít have much time to feel sorry for myself, so I feel the feels and get back out there. Life is a struggle and you can only exert so much control over it, and trust me, I have control issues (I wonder why?) so I have difficulty accepting this truth.

I think the point I try to make when telling people how I cope is that you can fail and fall down. Thereís no shame in it, but you have to recognize and accept the situation at some point. Thatís the only way you can overcome it. You have to face your fear of what could happen next. If you know you have a drinking problem, but canít leave it behind, try cutting it down. You will have days where you fail, lots of days. So what? Fail and face the next day. Donít find excuses. Climb out of that fucking hole and every time you slip, find your footing again and climb some more.

I also tell people to talk about it. Find people who will listen and let it out. You donít have to be alone. Yes, a lot of people donít want to hear your shit, but those people are selfish pricks. Fuck them. Find people who will lift you up when youíre down and donít surround yourself with anyone less. I donít have many people in my life who I can go to, so I can only assume there arenít many to begin with. It could even be a weekly program like AA or some sort of subsidized counselling. You just have to get over your reservations and feeling shame. Expect to do some searching to find these people and possibilities.

Now for my secret weapon. The most powerful tool that I have that helps me is pure rage. I get to a point where Iím just fucking fed up of whatever bullshit situation is happening to me and I run full steam across the battlefield with a sword in hand. When Iím in this frame of mind, if death were staring me right in the face hinting it was my time, I would tell him, ďCome and get it.Ē That energy is so powerful and learning to harness it has helped me overcome things I didnít think possible. I donít believe it would work for everyone, but there might be something equivalent that you can tap into. Something that will help you focus. Stand up and fight.

Fuck, that was long. Sorry.

Title: Re: Real life
Post by Magnum on 05/08/19 at 02:36:58
Fuck yea Amigo. I've known about most of what's been up with you and dude, everything you typed out is what a lot of us need to do but don't.

You bared the truth right out with no filters or bullshit. That's the best advice anyone can give.  All I can say is that I found a lot of that applies to me as well.

Damn man. 

Title: Re: Real life
Post by SynthR on 05/08/19 at 09:33:47
I just can't feed people inspirational one-liners or motivational bullshit. It doesn't help. People need to understand the reality of their situation and fix it. If you're a true friend or want to do some good, the best thing you can do in my opinion is boot them in the puckered asshole. Show them that they can fix things and that it will take work. Just don't enable it or allow them to wallow in the trash.

I'm sure we've all been there, but I had a co-worker, who I'm still close with, constantly tell me about the awful guys she would date. I saw a pattern after the fourth guy and told her straight out one time over lunch that she's causing all these things to happen. She's inviting drama into her life. I told her that she's fucking stupid for picking the same sort of guys over and over despite the red flags that she herself recognizes. Of course, she was pissed, but guess what? The next week she ditched him, stayed single for a few months instead of bouncing around to other bed buddies and actually found a super nice guy that she's about to marry. Bravo to her. Most people can't look at their own shit because they're too close, so it's up to us as friends to hold a mirror up to show them.

I know every situation is different, but look at what's causing you pain. Study it. Think about how you can change it. Don't let others have power over you. Take back control of your life and emotions. I learned all this from the emotional abuse I sustained with my parents. I took the power away from them, I stopped participating in the drama and our entire relationship shifted. Be confident and stand up for yourself. I sound like fucking Tony Robbins. I'll fuck of now.

Title: Re: Real life
Post by ÜAdonael on 05/11/19 at 12:15:59
That is good advice. I wasn't expecting it at first to be honest, but its truthful.

Title: Re: Real life
Post by SynthR on 05/16/19 at 17:48:34
Just saying shit isn't always helpful, especially on a forum with people you don't really know, but I hope it has some way of making you look at things a little differently. You just need to find the right people to support you and help you up when you've fallen.

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